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Michael Cera:

  • Has starred in a number of excellent films
  • Has more than five brain cells, plus a variety of hoodies
  • Mumbles
  • Is a mammal, but does not lactate
  • Usually looks about to turn and run away or cry. “Poor sad rich movie star,” we are meant to think – for we are meant to think that he’s playing himself

Magikarp:

  • Is a creature of the open sea
  • Has a little crown-shaped fin on its head because it believes it is king of the sea
  • Constantly repeats its own name
  • Has very few HP
  • Can change form just by letting other fighters do the hard work
  • Smells like fish

Both:

  • Only know one move: Look like a dork with mouth hanging open
  • Spend most of their time searching for a mate
  • Come out, flop around, and leave to make room for someone with more experience
  • Are mostly tolerated on the hope that someday, they will evolve into a badass
  • Can swim
  • Have been rendered in 8-bit graphics
  • Appeal primarily to people of my age or younger who are awkward
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