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Monthly Archives: September 2010

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Refer to the Wheel anytime you want an objective measure of crap. To measure, just start at the top, and move the arrow to the right until the crap stops getting worse.

Some classic examples of crap:

  • Plan 9 From Outer Space: 180°
  • Death Bed –  The Bed That Eats People: 64°
  • The Star Wars Holiday Special: 258°
  • Battlefield Earth: 125°
  • Manos – The Hands of Fate: 77°
  • The Happening: 456°
  • Troll 2: 1260°
  • Captain Planet: 82°
  • The Legend of Zelda Animated Series: °

It takes a team of great artists and monumental amounts of effort to make something truly, staggeringly bad.

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Pros:

  • Wields nigh-unfathomable arcane power
  • Has friends who stick by him no matter what
  • Can talk anyone into anything
  • Rides a magic carpet

Cons:

  • No nipples
  • Gets married after two dates
  • Is a lying liar who lies
  • Can think of nothing better to do with three wishes than get laid

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Pros:

  • Will rock you
  • Good old-fashioned lover boy
  • Easy come, easy go – little high, little low
  • Is now, and always will be, one of the champions

Cons:

  • Under pressure
  • Only has 14 hours to save the Earth
  • All he hears is Radio Ga Ga
  • Stone cold crazy
  • Just waiting for the hammer to fall

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Babies require constant care and attention. Bubble wrap waits patiently until you’re ready. Advantage: Bubble wrap.

Babies cover everything they touch in a layer of germ-riddled slime. Bubble wrap keeps your stuff safe, undamaged, and slime-free. Advantage: Bubble wrap.

Babies will someday grow up to be a real person. Bubble wrap will someday be used up and thrown away. Advantage: Babies.

Babies bring deep satisfaction and inner peace. Bubble wrap brings an irresistible popping game. Advantage: Bubble wrap.

Babies poop all the time. Bubble wrap never poops. Advantage: Bubble wrap.

Winner: Bubble Wrap (4-1)

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The Envy Two-Step is so easy to learn, you’re probably already doing it.

Just want something your partner has, then shame yourself for wanting. This will make you confused, which will make you angry. Blame your partner.

This dance works best when your partner has no idea you’re doing it.

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Ice cream can cause nasty headaches, but nuclear weapons can cause the obliteration of all known life. Advantage: Nuclear weapons.

Ice cream is easy for anyone to enjoy, while nuclear weapons require advanced technical knowledge. Advantage: Ice cream.

With ice cream, once one person has some, everyone else gets hungry. With nuclear weapons, once one person has some, everyone else treats them as an unstoppable god of war. Advantage: Nuclear weapons.

Ice cream has about 100 calories per scoop. Nuclear weapons have about 1,000,000,000 calories per megaton. Advantage: Ice cream.

Ice cream makes it feel like summer. Nuclear weapons make it feel like everyone you love is dead. Advantage: Ice cream.

Winner: Ice cream (3-2)

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(I’m going through the Bible backwards, one verse at a time, drawing and blogging my impressions.)

Outside are the dogs and sorcerers and the sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood.

…….

I had to cheat a little bit and read ahead (in some manuscripts, behind), because I couldn’t believe what I was reading. As far as I can tell, it means what it says. In the “holy city”, there are no dogs. For the same reason that there are no murderers – God doesn’t want them.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

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Just refer to this flowchart anytime you need to speak, write, scribble, tap out in Morse code, deliver via courier van, inscribe into the surface of Mars, or otherwise communicate words.

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(I want to read the Bible and be sure I’m reading what’s there, not what I was taught is there. Therefore I am reading it backwards, stopping at each verse, and drawing a picture of what I think the verse is about. Then here, in this text area, I note any lingering questions I might have. This concludes our tour.)

“I, Jesus, have sent my angel to testify to you about these things for the churches. I am the root and the descendant of David, the bright morning star.”

It bothers me that I cannot figure out what this verse literally means. Obviously he’s comparing either himself or his ancestor / branch David to the bright morning star, but which is it? Are they both the star? What’s the significance of all this anyway?

This whole verse seems so unnecessary – like Jesus was feeling so insecure that he had to cut in and remind everyone how awesome he was, then disappear before anyone could react. It doesn’t fit into the narrative or flow seamlessly from the verses before or after – both are narrated by the author, not Jesus, and are on entirely different topics.

If Jesus is incredibly insecure, that would explain why all his friends fall over themselves to worship him.

Going backwards like this, I don’t have the context for these stories. I have to figure out each verse in isolation, knowing where things are headed, but with no idea where they’ve been. I find this is very helpful for me to see what’s really there, and what isn’t.

And what isn’t in this verse, is any useful information. It’s pointless formality – you can trust me, because Jesus Morningstar said so. Friend: This is quite simple. I’m not going to trust your vision more than I trust you. If your vision sounds crazy and incoherent, I will trust it less. The more mixed metaphors and dangling participles you throw in, the less convinced I’ll be that you actually know what the hell you’re talking about.

Some say the Bible is full of ancient mysteries. I say it’s full of bad communication.

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(I’m working through the Bible from back to front, one verse at a time, drawing what I see.)

The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come.” And let the one who hears say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.

I’m trying to remember where I recognize this scene from. I’m concerned that it may have been followed by a money shot.

If this verse were porn, that would explain why nobody goes by their real name. And why a bunch of strangers are all telling each other to come. It leaves open the question of where the one who desires takes the water of life – unless that’s meant to be the same person as the one who is thirsty. It’s all in the details.

If it’s not porn, then someone is extremely concerned with getting people to come – well, right, but in a different sense. I’m guessing this ‘water of life’ has something to do with the ‘tree of life’ we saw earlier, when God was denying a share of it to anyone who took away his words. If you lose your share of the tree of life, do you lose your share of the water of life also? Or just the tree? And where is all this in relation to the holy city?

I’m growing less and less confident that this book has the answers to my questions, but I shall press on.

I’m intrigued by this character of The Bride – this is the first woman I’ve been introduced to in the Bible so far. To whom is she married? She and the Spirit get to say a line together – which confuses me. How can a Spirit pronounce the word “Come”? Does it have a corporeal larynx? If so, in what sense is it a Spirit?