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Sammy the Spaceship was achingly lonely. It had been six months since he had launched on his first mission – he was supposed to collect Glubworm larvae from the seventeen-headed mushroom cats of Proxima Valerii VII – and the solitude of deep space was beginning to get to him.

“If this keeps up,” he thought, “I’m going to have to kill myself.”

But how do you kill yourself in deep space, with nothing and no one around for light-years in any direction? If there were something to kill himself with, Sammy realized, he wouldn’t be so lonely, and therefore would not need to kill himself.

So he decided, instead, to fly to Space Hell.

The space demons were rather surprised to see a spaceship willingly fly straight toward them. There was a great deal of disappointment as the demons realized they would not be able to drag Sammy, kicking and screaming – well, as well as a spaceship can kick and scream – into the pits of their dark black fiery tomb.

No, he just shot right in, happy as a lark, and asked to be tortured, please, thank you kindly.

So the Space Devil assigned a torture demon to babysit the spaceship, but the torture demon wound up so depressed that he couldn’t do his job anymore.

“I used to really love the screams of the damned and the wails and the gnashing of teeth, but with Sammy it’s different. I feel like he’s just happy to get the attention. I asked him about it, and you know what he said? He said no matter what I do, it’s better than being alone forever. That thought was so depressing that I just… I just couldn’t go on.”

“We have a problem,” thought the Space Devil.

So he called up Space God, who at that very moment happened to be playing Space Tennis with Space Woody Allen, Snoopy, and some sort of crab-like parasite that Space God didn’t even recognize. Frankly, he was happy to have the excuse to get away, as the crab-thing – which nobody could remember inviting – kept telling really boring stories about its mother’s ovipostor fungus between serves.

However, when he heard about Sammy, he was NOT pleased.

“I sent that spaceship out myself on a Very Important Mission!” shouted Space God. “He was supposed to save the Glubworms from extinction, be exalted as their savior, have a statue erected in his memory, and seven hundred years later, when the planet explodes, that statue is supposed to fly past Senator Don Killjoy’s office at precisely the right time to convince him to run for President of Earth! Do you know how difficult it will be to inspire a politician to seek power in some other way?”

“That does sound difficult,” said the Devil. “Is there anything you can do about my problem?”

“I’ll see what I can do,” said Space God. And he flew to hell, where Sammy was writhing in agony, having the time of his life.

“Oh, hello, Sir,” said Sammy. “I have some questions I have always wanted to ask you.”

Unfortunately, hearing the Q-word sent Space God flying into a rage. He ripped Sammy the Spaceship to scrap metal with his bare hands, flung Space Hell into the nearest black hole, and made a boulder so heavy he himself could not lift it – even in zero-G.

In fact, the boulder was so heavy it promptly crushed God to death. And that is why there is no afterlife in space.


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